i woke up with dried tears still in my eyes and emptiness still riding my shoulders...

but there are no tangible traces of this day, which is perhaps as it should be.


like a bad dream, one that creeps in and out of your consciousness for days afterward, but a dream nonetheless.


and when people look at me, they have no idea... when i say i have a headache, they believe me...when i say i'm fine, it is their cue to turn their heads around and walk away...


and i will just stand here a little while longer, because i don't quite know where to go...


i have no regrets... but there are things in life i'd like to trace back and do again...

IF ONLY...

...i said yes when he asked to meet me.. i would have been the rightful chosen girl.


...i listened and handled my finances well, i would be on top of things


...if only i was happy for someone when he needed me most in the special time of his life..



...if only i kept myself busy with other things and met people in real life rather than hiding behind a computer at times...


... i wasn't too stubborn to take my mothers advice...


...if only i can trust and have faith in men again, i would open my heart whole heartedly... feel that power of risking every inch of security i have known for a very long time...


...if only i can yell out right now to everyone...
i am ready...