".. me luv you long time..."
- thats what i used to tell him
- for him i knew that he understood it as just nookies...
- for me.. those five last words meant more than just a joke.
it was tricky. so many times i wanted to tell him how much he's made me feel so good, special and very happy that i just wanted to let him know how much i felt.
but i feared for the right reasons - i knew and felt yet again that it was too late and the answer was going to be something i didn't want to hear from a special man.
it wasn't a case of unrequitted love. this time its different. until now... i can't describe it.
until now i kept denying it to myself. to him. to everyone.
as selfish as i'd want to be and want him back - i have to say i truly want him to be happy. even if it means with someone else.
oh fuck! - it hurts saying that.
i waited this long to think, know and say all that.
and i feel sad and afraid - cos i think i just totally lost one person who was my first "great one"
- the first one with the proper couple intimacy moment.
- the first one that i would ever consider as my boyfriend (yes i have issues why - and i will NOT justify this thought anymore with anyone...)
- the first man i shared a tiny life with and lost.
- the first man to totally take me out of my comfort zone
- the first man that made me know the difference between making love [ooooooooooofffs] and sex
- the one who had great surprises
- the first man who was not afraid to show his feelings for me ( even in the middle of the frozen food aisle of the supermarket )
- first man i've truly shown any form of affection - the power of his touch and his smile melted me in some way that i still crave for.
- the first man i've ever allowed myself to be taken care of, served, and even for a short time - wanted and felt loved.. even in his own way.
- the man who up until now makes me smile and have butterfly tingles in my stomach when i think of the good moments.
it is so hard to justify why. and I KNOW MOST OF YOU WON'T UNDERSTAND WHY.
but when love is involved - it should be enough reason why.
but it just went away. i still don't know what went wrong, but i knew.. that i couldn't look into his eyes anymore knowing what i know and feeling so lonely even if i was next to him.
it was supposed to be easy when it ended.
i was sooooo wrong.
that's when the feeling crept back in when i least expected it.
it's perhaps too late now.
but i always believed...if someone meant something.. you take all actions to make that person still be part of you...even as just a friend
i learned the hard way - love has to be unconditional - for both.
I do not really understand what is going on, and the motivations that has guided
me for many years now seem outdated.
I question my underlying values and desires.
I feel a loss of direction.
.. all i know right now.. is that he was a big part of me,
a stain in my heart that is deeply embedded...
you know who you are... I THANK YOU for making me feel that way....for making me realise who i really am and who i need... and i truly hope that we both find that ultimate person we both need.
i could never say it then but i do want to live a life with no regrets - i did love you.
"The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you YOU love, well, that's just fabulous." -Carrie (sex and the city)
who will be the man who wins my heart? who will be the story that i tell my children when they are old enough to understand?
i am back in the game folks.. spread the word.. but this time.. i have new standards...
i NEED -
- a partner who will love me just as i am - everything that i am, the bitch, the dominant, the sweet, the loving, the caring, the worrier, the organised, the biggest criticiser, the loud, bold, brave and bubbly barbara.
- a partner in life who will have unconditional love for me, respectful, understanding, loving and great passion for work and have a balanced life.
- one with views of a family. one who respects his own family.
- one who can provide for me at some stage - yes i know i've said im an independent chick, but lets get realistic here.. i have grown accustomed to such living and i'd want to continue on or be better off when i'm with someone. i do not want myself or my partner to be a financial burden for each other.
- one who is honest, and can handle sharing his inner most thoughts
- one who can make me laugh in times when im feeling down.
- one who can be there for me.. no matter what the circumstances are.
- one who will choose and love me over anything else.
- one who will never box me in.. as i am a free spirit.
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once again i let myself go and fall - i loved it for a moment - but it f@cking hurts no matter who the dumper is.
so in lieu of a break up i decided to do my top five lists ala high fidelity style.
TOP 5 THINGS TO DO AFTER A BREAK UP
1. surround yourself with your strongest female friends and bond,get drunk,perve, and get your girlie inner bitch back, get all the comforting comments from them, get the cuddles, cry your heart out.
2. surround yourself with your most rational, caring male friends, fb's, or your fabulous gay friends... get their opinion and affirm your cuteness.
"barb, you're still sooo cute even if you're crying..."
"you're smart, funny, successful, cute, loving.... obviously.. this man doesnt know what he's missing out on.."
3. if all else fails surround yourself with family love - if you need to travel interstate do so. if you need to hear your mother lecture you.. do so. if you need to cry in front of her.. do so.
4. avoid contact with the other person that would make you sound like a desperate person - further more try not to make any contact. sure, you'll miss him and would like to occasionally say "hello, how are you".
in my case shit happened - i fear that he would think it was a desperate act - shame on him if he does. shit happend. i freaked out. and of all bad luck to happen i had to make contact.
5. let yourself cry - listen to all sappy songs you want. they said it takes half as long as the relationship was to get over someone. i'm on my 8th week... almost there.
which brings us to -
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TOP 5 SONGS TO LISTEN TO WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE CRYING
1. free love - depeche mode
2. wasn't it good - tina arena
3. foolish games - jewel
4. no ordinary morning - chicane
5. gorecki - lamb
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enlighten me dear friends...
give me your best top 5 secrets on how to keep a loving relationship last.. come on.. humor me.